Adult Contemporary Novel
Here are some excerpts from my feedback on a full-length novel. The complete feedback was about six pages.
Kurt Cobain’s death
I would love to see Cobain’s death at the beginning a little more integrated into the discovery of Mary Ellen’s pregnancy, so that the two events combine to be inextricably linked in Sam’s mind as “the moment childhood ended.” Maybe they could happen on the same day, or even at the same moment? Right now, it feels a little like one thing happens and then later some other thing happens that’s unrelated.
The dinner date with Gus
Okay, I like this scene. The characters are coming alive, there's a nice energy, and the dynamic between them is starting to really cook. But I think the conversation needs another pass. Are we supposed to read his speech about Mick as racist? (Because it sounds awfully close to “she’ll go back to her own kind eventually”) or are we supposed to read it as, he’s older and wiser and can empathize with what it’s like for Mick to be alone in a crowd in a way that Sam isn’t mature enough yet to understand?
I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel about him in this scene. And I think it's crucial at this point that we understand why Sam chooses to trust him.
The intimate scenes
So I love the first sex scene. I think it’s described really well and the “Trust me” line killed me. (Especially as we realize that he was not to be trusted at all.)
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BUT: I think you need to flesh out the other scenes. I don’t need them to be graphic. This isn’t that kind of book. But when the chapters are taking us in such details through the moments of being in his room, how she’s feeling about being there/about him, what the room looks like, etc… to then have the line “after it was over” feels like a cheat.
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Again, doesn’t have to be graphic, but how does their sex change over the summer? Does he become more robotic? Less intimate? Refuse to make eye contact? Does she try to recreate a moment that came organically the first time, but he doesn’t want to do it again?
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This would also give you an opportunity to let us know how her feelings are changing/ growing, leading up the (completely devastating) moment where she says she loves him and he says “Don’t confuse sex for love.” It's SUCH A CRUSHING MOMENT; let's make sure it lands.
The car crash
Okay, there are a lot of things I love about the last act of this book. The crash feels huge and life-altering and it’s a perfect metaphor for her childhood crashing to an end.
Also I love that it’s chaotic and it happens when everyone is in the middle of something else, because that feels real.
My concern is that, because of the way it unfolds, it quite literally stops the arc of Sam’s character in its tracks.
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Right before this happens, Mick confronts Sam, saying she betrayed her confidence by outing Candice as an alcoholic, and by using Mick’s words to justify her actions. And Mick is right—it is a betrayal by Sam and it makes me think Sam hasn’t learned an important life lesson about integrity yet.
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But because Mick has a head injury and can’t remember anything, Sam is never forced to confront what she’s done—it becomes an unresolved storyline.
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That said, I think there might be a missed opportunity there. Where I thought that scene was going was that Sam was finally going to confess her affair with Gus to Mick, only to have Mick forget it. That would have put Sam’s lying in a new perspective, or somehow made her confront how very alone she was in her lies.
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Similarly, Candice dies, and Sam is never forced to admit what happened between them, or admit that she had a sexual attraction to Candice. It becomes one more lie that is never outed, and thus Sam doesn’t really learn anything from it.
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I think it's crucial that Sam be confronted with her double life at this point, and that she own her mistakes. That is how we, the readers, will know she has been profoundly changed, and it will really propel the action into the final scenes of Act III.
Student Portfolio
This student was applying to a graduate writing program. Her portfolio included poetry as well as fiction and non-fiction excerpts.
Poetry
Your poetry is stunning! I mean, just so good.
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The juxtaposition of lyrical imagery with simple prose is really working so well— “You made me feel like a child,” is such a clean sentence. I love it.
You find such gorgeous moments for repetition: “The soft love-filled ‘Margot, Margot, Margot.’” So good.
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“I’ve been ruminating about decisions of my life since the moment my mother, my mother, my mother.” – Perfection. I mean. Seriously.
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It’s reminding me of Thomas Wolf, especially the opening of Look Homeward, Angel: “Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother’s face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth.”
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“My religion was ruined.” Again, stunning.
"Dirt" has some incredible imagery, and I love the double meanings--"dirt" as in dirty as well as "gossip"-- and the unspoken things about it, but I feel like there’s more to this poem. Like there could be a whole stanza about driving through Kent and what that meant to the mom versus what it meant to the daughter. There’s an implication of shame or buried secrets, resentments (“dirt”).
Can you tie the theme of dirt into the drive through Kent? It’s so close. I just want to make sure it's landing on both levels.
Non-fiction
I really like this nonfiction. Stylistically, you’re really finding ways to take a familiar story (feelings of loneliness, lost connections) and making them your own. I do think that maybe "Autophobia" and "Hyde Park" are thematically similar enough that you might not need both for this application, and while "Autophobia" is very good, I think there’s simply more “story” to "Hyde Park" with the Claire relationship and so it feels more urgent.
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I think if you’re going to do a timestamp halfway through then you need one at the beginning too.
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I can’t help but feel like there’s a missing chapter to "Hyde Park." What happened with Claire? The relationship “grew stale” and “she’s changed,” but there’s more there. There’s a strong sense of betrayal here. It feels like you’re dancing around something that needs to be on the page.
"The Destruction of the Fountain of Youth" is lovely. I’m gonna throw something out there, and you might hate it, but just as an experiment: What happens if you move the last paragraph to the beginning, starting with the line “Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think…”? (And then the story would end with “Isn’t that embarrassing?”)
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PS, the line about googling Arizona Iced Tea before dying is pure gold.
Fiction
LOVE the fiction piece, Iveagh Gardens. The stream-of-consciousness style is so Irish, it’s my absolute favorite. You’ll probably get a lot of Sally Rooney comparisons, but it’s reminding me more of Joyce and Faulkner.
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I realize this is just an excerpt, but I’d love a few more details about what connects Harry and Sophie. Do they have the same sense of humor, the same idiosyncratic observations? (One of those “Arizona Iced Tea” moments would really work here.)
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I was slightly confused about how she knew he was wearing a suit with a “pink collared shirt” if he’s wearing a puffer jacket, FYI.
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The ending felt a little rushed and pat, like it just wraps up too neatly. Maybe we don’t know if they make it to the garden? Or he doesn’t see her at all (or pretends not to?) I'm also wondering if the scarf and the "all too well" line are feeling a little too Taylor Swift? Maybe a different item of clothing?
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There’s a French movie called The Umbrellas of Cherbourg that this is really reminding me of. Highly recommend. Especially the ending.
Overall, I just think you are SO FREAKING TALENTED! This is some really strong writing. You’re gonna do great.
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